


Date Night Jar

by happy_birthday_diane_use_a_pretty_font



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-04-27 07:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14420643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/happy_birthday_diane_use_a_pretty_font/pseuds/happy_birthday_diane_use_a_pretty_font
Summary: Ray got the idea from Pinterest: a mason jar full of popsicle sticks and creative, fun date nights.





	1. Board Game

**Author's Note:**

> If you have a date night suggestion, leave a comment!

Krieger was lounging on the couch with Ray’s cat. He looked up from his computer when he heard a rattling sound. 

“Already?”

“I know we usually do date night every other week, but I’ve got a mission startin’ Monday, and I don’t wanna miss out.” Ray held out a glass jar full of different colored popsicle sticks. Whichever one they selected would determine their date night activity. “I vote we stay in. I just wanna relax.”

“What color is that again?”

“The orange ones.”

“Noted…” Krieger’s face donned a look of complete concentration, analyzing each popsicle stick. He held his finger over several as if to select one, but didn’t. 

“Honey.”

“I’m thinking!” He finally snatched one from the jar. He read it carefully.

Ray looked at him expectantly. “Well?”

“...Are you ready?”

“Yes!”

“Alright, alright! It says… _ board games.” _

“Do we even have any board games?”

They didn’t have any board games, so Krieger offered to run and get one. Instead of getting up and leaving, he resumed typing on his computer. 

“Are you going to the store?”

“Yes.”

“Well, tell that to your ass.”

“I need to research.”

“Oh, Hell no! I’m not sittin’ here for three days while you compare the pros and cons of Chutes and Ladders vs. Candyland!”

“Candyland…” He opened a new tab.

“Jesus.”

It was two hours and half a bottle of wine (consumed entirely by Ray) later by the time Krieger walked in the door bearing Battleship.

 

“I’m detecting, ah, mmm…” Krieger rubbed his temples. “Strong...I wanna say  _ B _ energies...?”

“Finally.”

“And...Hm…”

“Just pick a–”

_ “Seven!  _ B, seven!”

“Goddamn it!”

“Is that a hit?”

“You sunk her, you ass!” Ray ripped his cruiser from the board and tossed it aside.

“Your turn.”

“I know.” He thought hard. “D, four?”

Ray groaned as Krieger picked up a white peg. “Nope, nope, nope.”

“I’m gonna kill you.”

“You have to find me, first. Now...A, two?”

Calmly, Ray plucked his destroyer from the board and threw it at Krieger’s head. 

“Ouch!”

Ray threw a handful of pegs. 

_ “Scheisse!” _

“Shut your whore mouth!” Ray picked up the entire board and brandished it. 

“You wouldn’t!”

“Say I won’t!”

“I just did.”

When he saw Ray’s sudden move, Krieger sprang up and ran out of the room. Ray vaulted over the couch and nearly caught up, but Krieger slipped away into the bedroom. He hopped on the bed and held up a cat as a shield.

“You wouldn’t hurt Cher, would you?”

“Bitch, you’re a grown man.” He threw the board at Krieger’s unprotected legs. 

“ _ Scheisse _ , that thing’s heavy!”

Ray climbed onto the bed, gently took Cher from Krieger (though he was gentle only for the cat's sake), and pinned his boyfriend down.

_ “Liebe?” _

“What?”

“You’re kind of a sore loser.”

Ray sucked in through his teeth. “What’d I say about shutting your bitchy little whore mouth?” Krieger just gazed at him wide-eyed. Ray looked down. “Fuckin’  _ now _ , really?”

“Well?! It’s date night, he’s on a schedule!”

“Christ.”

“C’mon...I’ll make it up to you.”

Ray looked skeptical.

“...I’ll use my whore mouth.”

He sucked in again. “Fine.”

Overall, it was one of their better date nights. 


	2. Fancy Restaurant

Ray tried to focus on the menu, but couldn’t stop glancing up at Krieger every few seconds. Before they’d left the apartment, Ray had warned his boyfriend to be civilized. Krieger, insulted, was turning on the charm to prove he was capable.

When they entered the warm, dimly lit restaurant, Krieger took Ray on his arm, cocked an eyebrow at the hostess and said, “Reservation for two.”

“Name?”

“Krieger and Gillette.” Ray replayed that in his mind. He loved the way his name rolled off Krieger’s tongue, and he was sure he said it extra sensually just to bother him. Although, after awhile, Ray began to doubt the deliberateness of Krieger’s sexiness. Was it even possible to sexily read a menu?

Ray licked his lips. It was definitely possible: Krieger’s stony expression as he perused the wine selection; his rigid, upright posture; his green eyes, lit by candlelight, which only met Ray’s once, and only for a moment, but still left Ray weak in the knees (but rather firm in other areas).

Not to mention Krieger’s outfit. He was wearing a black suit and bow tie, fairly typical dress clothes, but Ray rarely saw him in such formal attire. It was easy to forget how distinguished Krieger’s features were, but once Ray noticed his high cheekbones, exquisite eyebrows, and beard fit for royalty, he couldn’t help but stare. And that was before they even ordered.

When the waiter arrived, gold pen and velvet notepad poised, Krieger looked at Ray and asked, “How crazy are you feeling tonight? Like, on a scale of one to ten?”

Ray’s eyes were drifting to the bathroom, fantasizing about sneaking in for a quick round. “About a nine.”

“Perfect.” He turned to the waiter. “We’ll have a bottle of the sparkling Jourdan Brut and the shrimp cocktail for an appetizer.”

Ray was practically drooling. “When did you get so sophisticated?”

“Sophisticated?” He handed the waiter their menus. “Earlier, you called me an ape.”

“No, I said ‘Don’t be an ape.’ There’s a difference.”

Krieger chuckled. A minute later, the wine arrived, and he poured it elegantly.

“Let’s toast, honey.”

Krieger held up his glass. “To your field bonus.”

“To Ms. Archer, for being so far-removed from reality she thinks she cheaped out on me!”

“To your face.”

Ray giggled. “Alright!”

“I wasn’t done. To your face, and how you look like you were born to be seen in candlelight.”

The waiter set down their shrimp. When he was gone Ray concluded, “And to the bathroom, and to you meeting me in there in five minutes.”

“To the bathroom attendant, who’s definitely going to hear us.”

Ray thought hard. He looked towards the bathroom doors again. “To the supply closet.”

They clinked their glasses and drank. Ray got up and nonchalantly strode to the back of the restaurant. Several minutes later, Krieger joined him.

_ “Liebe?” _ he whispered.

“I’m right here, honey. Y’know, this closet is nicer than my childhood home.”

They made out for a few minutes. Ray sucked on Krieger’s neck and palmed his erection through his pants. After a short while, he felt strange movements.

“Babe, what’re you doin’?”

“...Nothin’.”

“Are you chewing?”

“No.”

Ray threw open Krieger’s suit jacket and felt the pocket. “You brought the shrimp?!”

“Want one?”

“No, you absolute  _ ape!” _

Krieger swallowed the shrimp and wiped his mouth. He pulled Ray closer by the loops in his belt. “I thought you liked my appetite.”

“Y’know...I’m  _ just  _ aroused enough for that to work.”


	3. Exercise

Ray set a pitcher of ice water filled with lemons and strawberries down on the coffee table.

“First rule of workin’ out: stay hydrated.”

“That sounds accurate,” said Krieger, adjusting his shorts. “Are you sure these fit?”

“Positive. Now, let’s warm up. Copy me.”

Ray began jogging in place. He corrected Krieger’s form (even then, he lifted his legs too high) and they pranced around the apartment. 

“Are you okay back there?” Ray asked. 

“I think so. How do you tell?” Krieger bumped into Ray when he stopped abruptly and turned around. Ray looked him up and down. 

“You’re kinda sweaty, honey.”

“Aren’t you  _ supposed _ to sweat during exercise?”

“Not after five minutes, I don’t think.”

“It’s fine.” Ray looked skeptical. “I’m a doctor, remember?”

Ray rolled his eyes and led Krieger back to the exercise mats. “Let’s try some jumping jacks.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I’ve never done one, and I refuse on principle to start now.”

“I’m honestly not surprised...Alright, how about some dumbbell rows?”

“Sounds doable,” he said, but he didn’t move to begin.

“Well?”

“Could you show me a brief demonstration?”

“Honey?”

“Yup!”

“You don’t know what a dumbbell row is, do you?”

“Nope!”

Ray took an aggravated breath. “Squats. Can you do  _ squats?!” _

“Yup, yup, yup.” Again, he didn’t move. 

_ “Well?!” _

“Oh, you mean right now.” He bent his knees up and down at a rapid pace. Ray shook his head. Krieger was incredibly bad at this, which was strange, since he knew firsthand that Krieger was far from weak.

“Straighten your back, like this.” He adjusted his boyfriend’s posture. “Doesn’t that feel better?”

“Worse, actually.”

“Don’t you ever work out?”

“Nope,” he grunted. “Nope, nope, nope. How many of these do I have to do, again?”

“How many have you done?”

Krieger groaned and let himself fall back onto his butt. “Three.”

“Oh, my God.”

“Well, we can’t all be Olympic athletes!”

“Can you be at least as fit as a fifth grader? Please?!”

He pouted. “Aw.”

“Oh, my God, are you actually offended?”

Krieger didn’t reply.

“Aw, babe!” He grinned and laid down so they were face to face. “Honey?”

He slapped Ray’s hand away (he was trying to poke his nose) and said, “Don’t you touch me!”

“Oh, come on.” He squeezed Krieger’s cheeks. “Where’s that smile? Lemme see it.”

Krieger’s expression remained grumpy while Ray squished his face.

“I know how to make you smile…” He let go of Krieger’s cheeks, hopped on top of him, and tickled his belly.

_ “Scheisse!” _

“Lemme see you smile, Mr. Jelly Roll!”

“Hey!” He tried to sound intimidating, but he was laughing too hard. 

Ray pinched his boyfriend all over. “My pretty jelly-elly roll!”

“Don’t make fun!”

“I’m not, honey! I love your body, you know that.”

He looked away. “Even though I’m less fit than a fifth grader?”

_ “Especially _ since you’re less fit than a fifth grader.”

_ “Danke _ ...So, can I have some water?”

 


	4. Blackout

“I’ve been dreading this one,” said Krieger. Ray was already shutting all the lights.

“Well,  _ I've _ been looking forward to it.” He retrieved a variety of candles from the bedroom and placed them on the coffee table. “Help me light these babies.”

“There's so many!” Krieger was frantically typing before Ray confiscated the computer.

“They're sexy! It's mood lighting.”

Krieger didn't respond. He was closing his most incriminating tabs.

“Gimme that thing.” Ray yanked the laptop out from under Krieger’s fingers. “Blackout means  _ no electronics.” _

“Alright, alright.”

They lit the candles and sat back. Krieger had to admit they did smell good, and Ray looked beautiful in the dim light. Unfortunately, it wasn't much of a date on its own.

“So, is this, like...the whole thing?”

“I guess so.”

“Fun.” 

“It's romantic!”

“No, yeah, I agree! I've never felt more...romanced.”

Desperate for a distraction from Krieger’s lack of charm, Ray stood and headed to the kitchen. “I'll go get some wine.”

In honor of date night, Ray got his fanciest set of glasses and poured an elegantly meager serving of white wine. He even dipped into his secret chocolate stash: on a small plate, he assorted a variety of dark, milk, and white chocolate, with two fresh strawberries. 

By the time he arranged all of this on a tray and carried it into the living room, Krieger was gone. 

Ray's first thought was that he was in the bathroom, but no light was shining from under the door. 

“Babe? Where'd you go?” There was no response. Ray smirked reluctantly. “Y’know, I'm tryin’ to be sexy in here!”

Still, Krieger didn't make a sound. Ray sighed, set down the tray, and began tiptoeing around the apartment in search of his boyfriend. He carried the cats in his arms so they wouldn't get to the wine (Mr. Darcy was especially mischievous this way).

The three of them crept through the whole apartment, checking every possible hiding place. They even went back around and checked the  _ im _ possible places, like the pantry shelves, the linen closet, and behind the TV. 

Ray looked at Mr. Darcy, who was unimpressed with the situation. “Did you see where he went, honey lamb?” 

No response. He turned to Cher, but she didn't have a clue, either. He sighed and flopped down on the couch.

_ “Scheisse!” _

“Huh?!” Ray jumped up and ripped the cushions off the couch. “There you are!”

“Hey, buddy!”

He shook his head. “Y’know…?”

He was beaming with satisfaction.

Ray couldn't help but grin back at him and press his lips to Krieger’s.


	5. Drawing Each Other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's so cute/cool how Ray and Krieger are both canonically good artists!

The first thing Krieger said when Ray selected their date night activity was, “Can I be nude?”

“Sure,” he replied, but Krieger had already begun stripping. Ray rolled his eyes, though when he returned from the bedroom to get the paper and pencils, he was naked, too.

Krieger sat on the couch with his sketchbook perched on one knee. He made sure to place it in such a way that it didn’t obscure Ray’s view. Ray moved the coffee table and laid on the floor on his side. 

They drew in comfortable silence. As he sketched, Ray noticed a lot of things he hadn’t consciously thought about before. He’d always appreciated Krieger’s strong arms, shiny hair, and thick beard...the dip in his nose, his broad shoulders, his soft stomach, Ray could go on forever. But the way his eyebrows rested while he was concentrating, the gentle curve of his collarbones, the particular shape of the head of his dick, these were things he’d never paid special attention to (except maybe the latter, but certainly not with such open and prolonged gazing).

When he saw Ray shift, Krieger glanced up. He chuckled smugly.

“Like what you see?”

“Oh, please.”

“No need to beg,  _ Liebling.” _

Ray shook his head and continued sketching, not caring that he was just confirming Krieger’s suspicion; he spent a disproportionate amount of time perfecting the shading and shape of certain areas. Maybe it was just an excuse to stare, but he’d never admit it. He deserved this, after all. It wasn’t every day that he got a peek when it wasn’t rock hard, or covered in spit and cum, although Krieger would probably show him anytime he asked.

After awhile, Ray set his pencil down. 

“I think I’m done.”

Krieger took an eager glimpse and did a double take.  _ “Mein Gott _ . Is that how I look to you?”

On the page was a drawing of a man with a beautiful, subtle body, fine cheekbones, and a stunning set of eyelashes. Krieger liked to think of himself as handsome, and Ray corroborated this with frequent praise, but it hadn’t occurred to him that he could be seen as a work of art.

Ray covered it up after a moment. “That’s enough for now.”

“Please?”

“Nuh-uh. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

“That’s not fair, I’m not done!”

“Well, finish.” Ray reached onto the coffee table for his cigarettes, lit one, and lounged on the floor. 

Krieger took a long time to complete his drawing. Ray was distracting him with his smoking; it was difficult to decide whether to focus on his plump lips pursed around the cigarette or his lean abs rising and falling as he breathed.

There was a distinct cycle of sketching, shading, losing focus, biting his lip and thinking of the things he’d do to Ray right there on the carpet, shaking his head and trying to focus once more, until Krieger finally finished. The moment he said so, Ray jumped onto the couch.

“Lemme see, lemme see, lemme see!”

His expression was unreadable as he gazed at the drawing. It was him, undeniably so (the mustache and musculature were especially prominent. Krieger evidently considered them key features), naked, with a gun in each hand to fight off the circle of flaming robots surrounding him. It looked like a metal album cover. Ray held it to his chest. 

“Ask me if I like it,” he said.

“Do you like it?”

Ray beamed. “I love it!”

“Really?”

“Yes!” He kissed Krieger’s cheek. “And I love  _ you.” _

“I love you, too. But, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, honey, what's up?”

“Is my... _ you know _ …”

He knew what Krieger was asking, but played dumb. “Your what?”

“My  _ you know _ ...is it really that... _ you know?” _

“Oh, your cock?” He leaned back and pretended to examine it. When Krieger squirmed, Ray reached out and stroked the tip with one finger. “It depends.”

“On what?” 

“Whether it’s hard or not. I mean, I'm crazy about that thing either way, but–Oh!”

Ray was cut off by Krieger grabbing him by his hips and kissing him for the first time all night. It was deep and desperate, and Ray smiled into it. Krieger didn’t mind. He loved Ray’s smile. 


	6. Spin the Bottle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Straight up smut, y'all!  
> I've said this before, but they don't use condoms because they're established clean and monogamous.

Ray entered the bedroom, smiling, wearing his silk pajamas. His hands were hidden behind his back. 

“Ready for your surprise?”

Krieger nodded. 

“It’s a little game.” He set a cleaned-out beer bottle on the bed. “Have you ever played spin the bottle?”

“Don’t you need more than two people for that?”

“Not with this,” said Ray. With a flourish, he revealed a red poster board with pink hearts arranged on it. Each heart was written on in Sharpie.

Krieger realized it was a game board. 

“See, you spin the bottle and you gotta do whatever it lands on.” He sat down and set the bottle upon the big pink heart at the center of the board. “D’you like it? I made it myself.”

“I love it, but how do you win?”

Ray grinned. “You’ll see. Now, spin, you’re first.

Krieger obeyed. The bottle landed on  _ Remove one item of clothing. _

He was only wearing a single item, so when he slipped his sweatpants off and tossed them aside, Ray hooted. 

“Great start, honey!” He spun and got  _ Kiss _ . 

They played for awhile, and were having a good time, but the best spins didn’t happen until later (when Ray was down to his underwear and Krieger was half hard).

Crossing his fingers for a good one, Krieger got his wish. He spun  _ Blindfolded until next turn _ . By the time he got the blindfold out of the drawer and tied it over his eyes, Ray had landed on  _ Make out _ . Without visual stimulation, Krieger didn’t hesitate to feel Ray up as much as possible.

On his next turn, Ray read Krieger his spin, insisting that the blindfold had to remain until  _ after _ his turn was complete.

“It landed on  _ Eat my ass,”  _ said Ray.

“Really?”

“Uh-huh.” Krieger felt Ray moving around, taking off his briefs and putting the game board aside. When he spoke again, his voice was further away, and Krieger realized he must have his ass in the air already. “I cleaned up before, so don’t worry about that.”

Grinning, Krieger felt around blindly. He landed on Ray’s back at first, so he ran his hands downward. He was about to begin when he realized he had no clue where Ray’s hole was. He leaned in tentatively and, beginning above Ray’s balls, delivered a long lick in order to locate it. Once he did, he spread Ray’s ass and ate it out marvelously, flicking and fucking with his tongue.

Only a few minutes had passed when Ray stopped him. Krieger didn’t mind; he knew how sensitive Ray was, especially when he was already worn down from anticipation. He could cum from ass eating on its own, but didn’t want to ruin the fun so soon.

When he removed his blindfold, Krieger looked confused.

“Hey, ass eating isn’t on the board.”

Ray pointed to the square that read  _ Boyfriend’s choice. _

Krieger smiled and shook his head while Ray spun.

_ Tell a secret.  _

“Oh, goddamn it!”

Krieger laughed. 

“Shut your dumb face! I was hoping you’d get this one. I don’t even think I have a secret, not a sexy one, at least.”

“Untrue.”

“And how would you know?”

“Because I know  _ you _ .” He leaned forward. “And I know that based on the sheer amount of sex you’ve had, there must be at least one crazy night you’ve never mentioned. Or maybe a desire you’re too embarrassed to share.”

Ray scoffed. “Honey, when have I ever been embarrassed about my desires?”

“Aha!”

“Goddamn it,” he repeated, more defeated than angry. “I guess there’s one thing. But it’s so dumb, I can’t even seriously think about it.”

Krieger leaned on one hand and teased his cock with the other. “Do tell.”

“Alright...so…It’s just so stupid.”

“I’m all ears,  _ Liebe.” _

Ray was blushing already. “Alright, so, it’s this fantasy, where it’s me and you...and…”

“And someone else?”

“Kinda.” He shifted. “It’s me and you and then, like, a clone. Of you.”

Krieger tried to keep his expression unreadable, but his eyes widened just enough for Ray to notice. 

“I know, I know. It’s so stupid. I don’t even know what we’d do.”

Shamelessly jacking off now, Krieger swallowed thickly. He had a few ideas.

So did Ray. “Like, I guess one of you could fuck me while I suck the other one’s dick. Or one could fuck me and the other one sucks  _ my _ dick?”

“We could both suck yours at the same time. Or he'd eat you out while I swallow your cock.” 

“I’d feel bad if y'all’s dicks weren't getting any attention.”

Krieger didn't respond. Ray knew he was incredibly horny, between the content of their conversation and the fact Ray was watching him masturbate. 

He leaned in coyly and touched Krieger’s arm. He stopped jacking himself off.

Ray said, “Maybe you could both fuck me at the same time.”

“Like, tagging in?”

“No. Like, the same exact time.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. My ass taking two cocks at once, I bet you'd have me screaming.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah.” Ray wasn't sure when his embarrassment disappeared, but it did. He was relishing Krieger’s flushed cheeks and wide eyes. “You're already so thick and–”

Suddenly, Krieger was kissing Ray, grasping his face and practically choking him with his tongue. Ray didn't mind. He pushed Krieger back so he was laying down and knelt over him. He gazed at Krieger’s dick (which was painfully hard, pinker than pink, and already glistening with precum) while he fingered himself.

“You gonna let me ride you?”

He grunted and reached into the bedside drawer for the lube.

Ray rode him rough, pinching Krieger’s nipples and biting his neck. Krieger whimpered and whined, and all he could to in return was thrust his hips animalistically and stroke Ray’s abs, thighs, and cock. 

Krieger came first, which was uncharacteristic, but Ray came too just a moment later. They laid together for a long time, panting and kissing each other’s bodies. 

Ray slapped Krieger’s arm and said, “Ha!”

“What is it?”

A sly smile crossed his face. “I win.”

 


End file.
